"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
Last week, I had one of those rainy days that consisted of me taking an entire tea pot of hot water to my room to consume it one tea bag at a time while I finished revising a poem I was working on. After I was finally satisfied with my attempt at poetry, I listened to Tal and Acacia’s “Drifting Away” about a million times as I played Mahjong tiles on my laptop. Not a bad day, but mostly a neutral day. Eight cups of tea and an entire package of Ritz crackers at least made it peaceful.
Life has been in sort of a drifting state for me lately; peaceful with many happy moments, but seeming to lack a general direction. Of course, because God is God, I know that my life really isn’t without direction; it is just that the direction is hidden from me at the moment.
It is kind-of like God is blind-folding me. At first, this sensation of being cut off from a clear direction made me fight against God. Who really likes being put into a completely dependent situation? I was and still am in the dark about what my future holds. But during one of those lucid moments when I actually bothered to be quiet and listen to God, my perception of my position changed (or rather, God changed my perception). Instead of viewing it as struggle against the darkness, God gave me the image of a father covering his daughters’ eyes. When the time was right, the father would lift his hands and surprise his daughter with everything he had been saving for her.
If we always knew what was coming, would we appreciate it as much? And if we were always in the light, how would we know that God can be trusted in the dark places? This applies to pretty much everything in my life right now: my singleness, my pursuit of a college degree, the fact that I am unable to get a job…the list goes on. Elisabeth Elliot described this in her book Passion and Purity when she said:
“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. That was the proof of His love-that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels’ might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us-not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.”*
Even though I cannot honestly say that I am “suffering” right now, the sentiment still holds true. But being in a dark place does not always have to be sorrowful. Instead, it can be filled with a wonderful sense of peace that God is with us in our waiting times. Our Father has cared enough to allow us to suffer a little so that we might trust Him better and appreciate the things He has in store for us when they come.
It is my intention that this will be what the Knot List is all about, making waiting something to be cherished instead of something to be scorned.
*Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Fleming H. Revell, 2002), 85.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Barefoot
There is something glorious about the pat pat pat sound of bare feet hitting the ground. It is a care free sound, a sound that says "This is the moment that I am living in, and the next moment is simply between here and the next step."
One of the items on my Knot List is to go barefoot in as many major cities as possible. So far, the only major city I have done this in (that I can remember at least) is Washington D.C. Actually, it was the experience of trekking the paved and unpaved paths of the nation’s capital at night that inspired the desire to do it in other places as well. For anyone who has not seen D.C. at night, it is completely different from the busy, rushing atmosphere that saturates the city during the day. The night is calm; with only the distant sound of humming cars and American flags flapping in the wind and quiet conversations to listen to as you walk from one memorial to the next. All the monuments are lit up so that they fill your view; the goals that you strangely feel compelled to walk towards even though midnight quite possibly could have already come and gone. As strange as it sounds, the simple act of getting my feet dirty with Washington dirt has gone a long way in becoming one of my favorite memories.
Since then, I have not visited anymore major cities, but I have found myself in several smaller ones. I have walked the hot streets of Durham as my sister showed me around her school, I have crossed a busy street at night to go grocery shopping for chocolate with thirteen other girls, and I have ambled along the sidewalks and crossed railroad tracks while looking for that-perfect-little-boutique with Ashley. Barefoot. Living each moment from one step to the next.
One of the items on my Knot List is to go barefoot in as many major cities as possible. So far, the only major city I have done this in (that I can remember at least) is Washington D.C. Actually, it was the experience of trekking the paved and unpaved paths of the nation’s capital at night that inspired the desire to do it in other places as well. For anyone who has not seen D.C. at night, it is completely different from the busy, rushing atmosphere that saturates the city during the day. The night is calm; with only the distant sound of humming cars and American flags flapping in the wind and quiet conversations to listen to as you walk from one memorial to the next. All the monuments are lit up so that they fill your view; the goals that you strangely feel compelled to walk towards even though midnight quite possibly could have already come and gone. As strange as it sounds, the simple act of getting my feet dirty with Washington dirt has gone a long way in becoming one of my favorite memories.
Since then, I have not visited anymore major cities, but I have found myself in several smaller ones. I have walked the hot streets of Durham as my sister showed me around her school, I have crossed a busy street at night to go grocery shopping for chocolate with thirteen other girls, and I have ambled along the sidewalks and crossed railroad tracks while looking for that-perfect-little-boutique with Ashley. Barefoot. Living each moment from one step to the next.
Friday, August 19, 2011
"It's All Right To NOT Be Ok"
So one of the things on my knot list came to a screeching halt this week. In short, I had planned on transferring to a new college this semester, but God closed the door. That’s the simple version. The complicated version is that I had dreamed of attending that particular school for years and I truly felt like God was leading me there at this time in my life. When moving day came around (yes, I had all of my things packed and ready to go), God shut the door.
My dream died.
This happened on Monday. Everyone around me who knew about the situation was very supportive. I knew many people were praying for me because I could feel the difference the prayers were making (for instance, I was able to get out of bed every morning this week, which surprised even me).
So what is it like to have a dream die? I do not honestly know if I could describe it accurately because I am still in the middle of it. But one thing that dear Ashley told me has probably helped me the most: "It’s all right to NOT be ok."
I have no idea what I am going to do now or why God closed the door or what the future holds or why nothing makes any sense at all; but I do know that everything is going to work out even if I’m not ok right now. Functioning like you have it all together is not a life necessity anyway.
Even though God saying "Not now" was and still is confusing, I trust that He knows what He is doing. I gave up my life to Jesus Christ a long time ago, so if He thinks it is best for me not to go, then it must be the right thing. I know He loves me and I am still in love with Him.
On the bright side, the fact that I am not going to school this semester makes it more likely that I will be able to spend Christmas in England with my friends, Pearl and Nicole. England has been something we have been planning for the past two years, but things have always gotten in the way or fallen through. Now at least the pieces are coming together for us to have a magical Christmas in Jane Austen country with our beloved mentor, Dr. M.
Also, staying home this semester just means that I get to spend more time with my family (which is a good thing considering that my younger siblings are growing up waaaayyyy to fast). Having random adventures with Ashley as we try to complete our knot lists is definitely another perk.
I guess Maria from the amazing movie The Sound of Music was right when she said: "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window"
My dream died.
This happened on Monday. Everyone around me who knew about the situation was very supportive. I knew many people were praying for me because I could feel the difference the prayers were making (for instance, I was able to get out of bed every morning this week, which surprised even me).
So what is it like to have a dream die? I do not honestly know if I could describe it accurately because I am still in the middle of it. But one thing that dear Ashley told me has probably helped me the most: "It’s all right to NOT be ok."
I have no idea what I am going to do now or why God closed the door or what the future holds or why nothing makes any sense at all; but I do know that everything is going to work out even if I’m not ok right now. Functioning like you have it all together is not a life necessity anyway.
Even though God saying "Not now" was and still is confusing, I trust that He knows what He is doing. I gave up my life to Jesus Christ a long time ago, so if He thinks it is best for me not to go, then it must be the right thing. I know He loves me and I am still in love with Him.
On the bright side, the fact that I am not going to school this semester makes it more likely that I will be able to spend Christmas in England with my friends, Pearl and Nicole. England has been something we have been planning for the past two years, but things have always gotten in the way or fallen through. Now at least the pieces are coming together for us to have a magical Christmas in Jane Austen country with our beloved mentor, Dr. M.
Also, staying home this semester just means that I get to spend more time with my family (which is a good thing considering that my younger siblings are growing up waaaayyyy to fast). Having random adventures with Ashley as we try to complete our knot lists is definitely another perk.
I guess Maria from the amazing movie The Sound of Music was right when she said: "When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window"
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Live Like You Actually Believe It...
Have you noticed how we can believe something but not really believe it? It can even be something that we talk about all the time, like God or family togetherness or a stomach ache. We say we believe in God and that family togetherness is necessary and that eating too much cheesecake will give us a stomach ache, but for some reason we still live out our lives as if we really do not believe that any of those things actually exist.
For me, it was the belief that I could be happy being single.
A brief history of my life, I was born single (shocking, I know), remain single twenty-one years later, and will probably be single for a few more years (unless God decides to spring something on me out of nowhere). I have never dated, never been kissed, and never been asked out on a date by a guy who did not completely creep me out or make me uncomfortable. Now, for the past twenty-one years, I have consistently told people that I was blissfully happy being single. I mean, what’s not to love? As a single, I am free to do my own thing. I can hang out with my female friends on weekends without having to explain to a guy why I am not with him instead. I can stay within my 500 texts-per-month limit. I can be break-up free. I can sit in a movie theater and laugh at a scene that no one else is laughing at without wondering why the guy sitting next me doesn’t think the cheesy plot is, well, cheesy. When I want to watch a chick flick, I can watch a chick flick. When I want to go make-up free, I can go make-up free. I have nobody to impress but myself. I believe all of this (or at least I tell myself I do when I see my friends going through guy trouble).
But any girl being honest with herself and others will tell you that realizing that you aren’t exactly the "happy single" you believe yourself to be is a very annoying, depressing, and common occurrence. The realization hits like the flu, sometimes you see it coming (like being maid-of-honor at your best friend’s wedding) and sometimes you don’t (like when you see that cute older couple walking through the mall hand-in-hand or when you see a young mom and dad watching as their little baby girl starts to walk on her very own). The thoughts "God, when is it going to be my turn?" "Why on earth aren’t there any good guys around anymore?" and "What is so wrong with me that I can’t find a good man?" inevitably fly through a girl’s head. You realize that instead of being happy, you actually are just waiting for a guy to appear so you can start being happy. So, in dealing with all of this, we are faced with the ultimate question of "Can happiness and singleness coexist even if it means never getting married?" And even if we say we believe a single life can be a happy life, do we actually believe it? And so, with that question, it began….
I was spending the night at one of my best friend’s house and we started talking about our common singleness. Ashley had dated before, but let’s just say that the guys she went out with were two of the reasons I was extremely happy to avoid relationships at the time. Our conversation that night led to God and how Christians are supposed to view being single. There was such a mutual flow of thoughts and realizations that I am not really sure who came up with idea first or how it even came up at all. But the idea that was birthed that night through talking about God and how we are supposed to live our single lives was…
…The Knot List.
Basically a list of all the things we wanted to do before we "tied the knot." It was like an epiphany. Both of us had a list of things we wanted to do with future husbands (Ashley wanted to read through the Bible with her husband, I wanted to go skydiving). It hit us that why should we wait to do those things until we are married? Why not experience life now with our friends and family instead of waiting for a man to magically appear?
Even though I know that there is no way our idea of a Knot List is original (which is a good thing really), it is still something I thought was important to put out there. If others can find contentment in their single years the same way we did (and are going to do), then recording all of my struggles (which, let’s face it, are still going to be there) and crazy adventures is worth it. So I challenge any single person reading this post to live the single life God has given you. These are the years to experience things that you won’t get to do when you are married and have children (ask any married person and they will tell you). Live life like you actually believe you are happy being single and might just find out that you are happy.
And, yes, I fully intend on skydiving.
For me, it was the belief that I could be happy being single.
A brief history of my life, I was born single (shocking, I know), remain single twenty-one years later, and will probably be single for a few more years (unless God decides to spring something on me out of nowhere). I have never dated, never been kissed, and never been asked out on a date by a guy who did not completely creep me out or make me uncomfortable. Now, for the past twenty-one years, I have consistently told people that I was blissfully happy being single. I mean, what’s not to love? As a single, I am free to do my own thing. I can hang out with my female friends on weekends without having to explain to a guy why I am not with him instead. I can stay within my 500 texts-per-month limit. I can be break-up free. I can sit in a movie theater and laugh at a scene that no one else is laughing at without wondering why the guy sitting next me doesn’t think the cheesy plot is, well, cheesy. When I want to watch a chick flick, I can watch a chick flick. When I want to go make-up free, I can go make-up free. I have nobody to impress but myself. I believe all of this (or at least I tell myself I do when I see my friends going through guy trouble).
But any girl being honest with herself and others will tell you that realizing that you aren’t exactly the "happy single" you believe yourself to be is a very annoying, depressing, and common occurrence. The realization hits like the flu, sometimes you see it coming (like being maid-of-honor at your best friend’s wedding) and sometimes you don’t (like when you see that cute older couple walking through the mall hand-in-hand or when you see a young mom and dad watching as their little baby girl starts to walk on her very own). The thoughts "God, when is it going to be my turn?" "Why on earth aren’t there any good guys around anymore?" and "What is so wrong with me that I can’t find a good man?" inevitably fly through a girl’s head. You realize that instead of being happy, you actually are just waiting for a guy to appear so you can start being happy. So, in dealing with all of this, we are faced with the ultimate question of "Can happiness and singleness coexist even if it means never getting married?" And even if we say we believe a single life can be a happy life, do we actually believe it? And so, with that question, it began….
I was spending the night at one of my best friend’s house and we started talking about our common singleness. Ashley had dated before, but let’s just say that the guys she went out with were two of the reasons I was extremely happy to avoid relationships at the time. Our conversation that night led to God and how Christians are supposed to view being single. There was such a mutual flow of thoughts and realizations that I am not really sure who came up with idea first or how it even came up at all. But the idea that was birthed that night through talking about God and how we are supposed to live our single lives was…
…The Knot List.
Basically a list of all the things we wanted to do before we "tied the knot." It was like an epiphany. Both of us had a list of things we wanted to do with future husbands (Ashley wanted to read through the Bible with her husband, I wanted to go skydiving). It hit us that why should we wait to do those things until we are married? Why not experience life now with our friends and family instead of waiting for a man to magically appear?
Even though I know that there is no way our idea of a Knot List is original (which is a good thing really), it is still something I thought was important to put out there. If others can find contentment in their single years the same way we did (and are going to do), then recording all of my struggles (which, let’s face it, are still going to be there) and crazy adventures is worth it. So I challenge any single person reading this post to live the single life God has given you. These are the years to experience things that you won’t get to do when you are married and have children (ask any married person and they will tell you). Live life like you actually believe you are happy being single and might just find out that you are happy.
And, yes, I fully intend on skydiving.
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